I’ve always thought that it doesn’t matter how badly a person does, as long as I know they’re trying.
It’s my way of seeing it and relating to it.
For me, part of empathy in relationships is that; it’s not expecting others to do it perfectly and if they don’t, getting upset. Nor is it giving a thousand opportunities if there isn’t even a hint of progress. For me, it’s about seeing through, to be able to observe the other person’s intentions (this part is more difficult to explain, because you’ll never be able to know for sure the other person’s intentions, what you perceive will depend on each person’s instinct), if I feel that the intentions are good, and that even if there are still mistakes, there is little by little progress, I don’t care if one or a thousand mistakes are made, because I will understand. If, on the contrary, I perceive that the intentions are not good, or that absolutely nothing is being done to improve the situation, I won’t be there.
This, always taking into account my role in the problem. It is not just about expecting the other to solve everything that happens, always (even if what happens is not “my fault”), there is something I can do better or that I can contribute to make the situation less uncomfortable or more bearable. How I react to things that happen, for example.
The processes are complicated and most are very long (we are talking about years), so expecting someone to improve X issue overnight is unsustainable.
Whenever something like this happens, the best thing to do is to sit down and talk.
- Why is this happening? (Without blaming anyone!)
- Where does the problem come from? (triggers, unhealed wounds, traumas, upbringing or habits…)
- Are there expectations? How can we avoid them?
- What are the needs involved?
- What can each of us do to improve the situation?
- Will we have the patience and determination to face the process, or are we not willing to go through it?
- Create an action plan, with approximate times and tasks for each person, etc. Always understanding that if the task is not carried out perfectly, it is not a question of blaming yourself, but rather of learning where the error is and seeking to improve it.
And always remember that your well-being does not depend on how others do things. Everyone does what they can with what they have and we should not expect anything from others to feel comfortable, but rather work on ourselves to avoid certain situations bothering, inconveniencing or saddening us.
Because we will never be able to control others (and we shouldn’t try), but we will always have the power to change how we perceive what happens around us.
Mantra:
Reality is neutral.
